Delusions of Grandeur Something's been eating at me. I'm selfish, conceited, vain-- big confession from the narcissist who started this blog thinking that her opinion could possibly stand out or even slightly matter in the heavily saturated blogging community. But, seriously, things have been bothering me so much lately that I wonder if I have become so self-centered and self-consumed that I'm missing the beauty of diversity. The fact that not everything is like me, or my way for a reason. A very good reason. For one, I have a weak and rather selective memory. Already, if I don't see them enough, I morph the people I know and love into some shadowy mixture of who they are and who I want them to be. That said, I don't want to have a man of my dreams. I don't want to plan out my future home, career, family or the duration thereof. Because my limited imagination would simply conjure up some all too familiar places and eerily imbalanced people . I don't want to create a world riddled with my flaws. I need others around me who have strength in my weakness and vice versa-- and my too-easily satisfied imagination would leave them out, whether in ignorance or to slight being challenged. So, I'm not going to censor myself (for the most part) and you don't censor yourself, either, ok? I want to know the real you. Because I want to pick out a shirt in the color and style that suits you, not me. Because I want to know your favorite song, not the song of my collection you tolerate most. Because I am not the only person in the world, and far from being the only one who matters, even to me. posted by me 9:49 PM . . .
Q & A Ashley and I were talking last night about how we wished we could just be able to ask and get answers from God. Not all the time, but oh, say, one question a month. Then we'd have a month to figure out what we really wanted to ask and we could be more clued in on God's plan for us. Well, I think I actually got an answer last night to a question that's been bugging me for sometime. It was and wasn't the answer I wanted, but it's what I needed. There is one less ambiguous shadow looming overhead, one less gaping hole for me to fall in or climb out of. Or is it one more? Receiving an answer to this question sort of just opens up a new one. Kind of like the game "Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?" You accuse someone, and they say "Who me?" "Yes, you" "Not me" "Then who?" And someone else gets accused until you find the person who actually stole the cookie. I've received the answer "not me." I am at an impasse. It's only August 5th and I've already found my question for next month: "Then who?" This may take awhile. posted by me 9:17 AM . . .
HOME After spending every other weekend away from 'home,' I have this severe longing for familiar surroundings. Granted, two of my weekends away included stays at my mom's house... but that's different-- even though my house is the same and my family is the same, there are subtle differences, inside jokes and tics and quirks that they have come to take for granted, but leave me clueless. As my plane descended into Nashville last night, I couldn't help but gaze out the window, trying to figure out the streets and buildings we were so quickly over-passing. Things that haven't been completely remodeled since the last time I saw them-- two days ago. I love going away, but I love coming home. I like being able to drive from point A to point B without a map or directions. I like to be able to take less known, less travelled back roads. I'm afraid of what I've missed while I was gone. What if something really cool happened while I was away and now all of my friends have a great new inside joke that I will never fully appreciate because I wasn't there and have only heard about it second hand. I mean, come on, cool things can't happen without me! And they'll ask me how my weekend was, and I'll say "good" and leave it at that. A couple revelations, but no momentous happenings-- at least not for me-- it was "good" and I'm "totally fine" and glad to be home. posted by me 8:37 AM . . .
